1. Go to www.flickr.com
2. Type in your answer to the question in the "search" box
3. Use only the first page
4. Copy the html and paste for the answer.


1. What is your first name?
http://www.flickr.com/photos/happylobster/211778133/
This gives it all away doesn't it? ;)

2. What is your favourite food?
www.flickr.com/photos/chmurka/2050197365/
Yes, I eat mice.

3. What school did you go to?
www.flickr.com/photos/manydereks/3538672065/

4. What is your favourite color?
www.flickr.com/photos/viamoi/3794617649/

5. Who is your celebrity crush?
www.flickr.com/photos/carpemomentum/303096973/
Jessica Alba - I've always liked her. :)

www.flickr.com/photos/10692073@N03/1352998617/
How embarrassing. :P

6. Who is your favourite Disney Princess?
www.flickr.com/photos/robertmiller/2179195770/

7. Favourite drink?
www.flickr.com/photos/freg/498609161/

8. Dream Vacation?
www.flickr.com/photos/orihashi522/2724871582/
(Japan)

9. Favourite Dessert?
www.flickr.com/photos/moona11/3843814102/

10. What do you want to be when you grow up?
www.flickr.com/photos/paulobrandao/2788050844/
(Artist)

11. What do you love most in life?
www.flickr.com/photos/bacillus/2268669677/
(Joy)

12. One word to describe you?
www.flickr.com/photos/isayx3/3302454529/
(Different)

13. What do you dream about?
www.flickr.com/photos/jimpatterson/3281883007/
(Change)

It's emo time!

Just got out of traffic, probably not the best time to write, but I just about had a near-death experience.  I guess that's par for the course, but the real reason I'm angry is that it happened because of ignorance.  I deal with it every day of my life here, but this hit home.

I'm now sold on NOT moving to LA.  No one even talks about the traffic and drivers here, so that must be the 10th circle of Hell.  Not for me.  I think this HAS sold me on moving south.  People down there are usually too out of it to even turn on their turn signal, let alone road rage.

Of course, traffic isn't the only reason I want to leave.  I get nothing out of living here.  I want to be around my family, but I also need to be happy.  And it just seems like unless you like rolling in it and keeping up with the Joneses--and worrying about crime everywhere--you're never going to be happy.  To me, when I think of "happy" I think of a laid back life where I don't have to be so afraid.  Maybe I'll have to cut corners to get by, but so what?

In other news, I'm so not interested in a relationship anymore.  I think I finally understand why people have one night stands and don't really give a shit about them.  They're such a joke, and it all seems so political.  If you don't fit a bill or read minds or fake it, you'll get nowhere.  I also sometimes think I don't have a clue about what love is, because it seems like most relationships are built on sex and tolerance.

Yeah, I'm venting.  It's LJ.

I'm beginning to think there might be some truth to that line.

I'm feeling pretty down on my luck, and not seeing the bright side in anything despite desperately trying to.  But I realized today that when I was at my happiest I wasn't trying to be or do anything for anyone.  I'm not saying I should be a selfish bastard, but to think I can get along with everyone or that things will just work out isn't cutting it--so I may as well just do what I can to be happy, I guess.

Yep, it's venting time.  Isn't it always when I post on LJ?  Though I don't really know why I post here...

Although all I want to do is make a difference and make the world a better place, or at least a more enjoyable, honest one by being who I am and doing what I do, I always get the exact opposite.  I suppose it's stupid to be idealistic, though I continue to be because I figure if I'm not, who will be, and I'm already emo enough.  But all of that seems to matter so, so little, that I can almost understand why the people I can't stand are the way they are.

I think I've said enough.  I don't want my negativity rubbing off on people.  Hopefully my life will take a turn for the better soon.

Maybe it's because I've had a hard week, but I feel like crap.  I feel like something's got to change but I don't know what.  I'd like to get a less stressful job, but worry I don't really have much talent and my ADD (or whatever it is) is going to make me suck at anything I do.  Plus, I'm *really* stressing about my sexuality these days, and my lack of social skills.  And I'm really sick of not having a life.

I'm crazy! ;_;


My Personality

Neuroticism	96
Extraversion	8
Openness to Experience	43
Agreeableness	65
Conscientiousness	56

Mostly your emotions are on an even keel and you do not get depressed easily, however you are sensitive about what others think of you. Your concern about rejection and ridicule cause you to feel shy and uncomfortable around others. You are easily embarrassed and often feel ashamed. Your fears that others will criticize or make fun of you are exaggerated and unrealistic, but your awkwardness and discomfort may make these fears a self-fulfilling prophecy. You tend to feel overwhelmed by, and therefore actively avoid, large crowds. You often need privacy and time for yourself. You prefer dealing with either people or things rather than ideas. You regard intellectual exercises as a waste of your time. You dislike confrontations and are perfectly willing to compromise or to deny your own needs in order to get along with others, however you generally see others as selfish, devious, and sometimes potentially dangerous. You have a strong sense of duty and obligation, and feel a moral obligation to do the right thing.

Take a Personality Test now or view the full Personality Report. The best Myspace Layouts

My life seems to be getting worse and worse, to the point where I think something's got to be different about me.  I could make a million excuses why I am the way I am, but I think I'm probably some form of ADD.

This has been apparent since I started working.  Gone are the days when I can do homework whenever or cram (what I usually did), or work an easy job.  Now it's 8 hours where I'm expected to get everything done ASAP, work hard, can't goof off, etc.  And any time I deviate from this (which is often), it's always viewed with scorn, even if the end result is always good.

Been thinking about how it might be affecting my personality.  For one thing, I have no patience, and this applies to EVERYTHING.  I think that could explain my social anxiety and apparent inability to make friends.  I think if I'm ADHD, it's in the area of hyperactive paranoia.  I think as a rule friendships and relationships are hard, and there will always be some tension/drama/fear/confusion or heartbreak/disappointment, and again I have no patience for it (of course there are exceptions).  Now I find myself wishing I was just alone for once to relieve this stress.

This might all sound very emo, but I think knowledge is power, and today I put it to good use.  Instead of being distracted as usual at work to please everyone, I put on my headphones and drowned everything out--and felt better and got a lot more work done.  And instead of trying to please my parents over something we haven't been eye-to-eye about, I just said exactly how I felt.  Feels pretty good!

Just to clarify: I'm trying to stay away from pills.  I really don't see anything wrong with the way I am, or being ADD.

So, I've been doing some thinking--as usual--only this time I think I'm actually not thinking in circles.

I'm not a cookie-cutter gay, bi, straight, or asexual... period. That said, it IS a mystery what I am, and I think it has a lot to do with A.) being easily influenced/thinking other people are right B.) dealing with some traumatic events.

I'm not trying to make a sob story, but I did go through some things that seriously changed my life for the worse, and, strangely, for the better. I'm sure a lot of people wouldn't even think it was that big of a deal, but I did. And I'm partially to blame, being a perfectionist and feeling like I have to bear the weight of all my "mistakes". So I've been running from being what I am for a long time because 9 times out of 10 it ends up being too hard to deal with. Lately this has become all the more apparent since there are no escapes and I'm having to actually deal with and be affected by things.

I really want to get over all this emo-babble, though having scorp in me that may never happen. But it makes me feel good to watch a forward-thinking anime or show like Torchwood, which are becoming more and more common. They show that, really, it's not that crazy to be who you are--it's a good thing.

Well, I can honestly say my life's about as bad as it's ever been, not to say it couldn't be much worse.  I'm sick with something seemingly uncurable (I swear most doctors purposefully give you the run around and are only in it for the money), dealing with a lot of crap I'd rather not mention, all the BS that comes with being an "adult", and all the other responsibilities I have, and I have time for none of it.

I guess there's a light at the end of the tunnel.  I've made a lot of mistakes I'm pretty sure I'll ever make again, but still it has me all so jaded.  I don't trust people much anymore, which is ironically kind of freeing.  It's also depressing and makes me paranoid, but slowly I'm getting numb to it, which I guess is what the textbooks refer to as "maturity."  Speaking of maturity, some people never do, and it's a sad, sad fact we all have to accept.

Finally, all these TV shows and whatnot will say "The key is to just be yourself!"  Easier said than done--I think it's one of the hardest things you can do.  You *will* get grief for it, and plenty of it, and it makes you not even want to try.  But maybe it's worth it, even if just to yourself.

Been doing some thinking as usual and it hit me that I've been being really self-destructive.

I've been attempting to "live up" in so many ways, and I have no shame in saying I'm doing all I can, but it doesn't even matter.  I think the old saying is true: people don't know what they want.  So, no matter how "right" it seems, trying to do anyone any favors always seems to backfire.  The truth is, if someone really cares, they won't make you go out of your way to show it.

That said, I need to do some changing.  I'm in a rut, don't have a CLUE what to do about my future, and on top of all that there's no time for anything.  But, I'm determined.  I think as long as you set your mind on something it can happen eventually.

Hospitalization - Akira Yamaoka (Silent Hill 2)
Obtained via 10th_letter

Directions:
1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, iPod etc. on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS
4. Press one more time, and use that for your title.

1..IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
The End of It All - John Tejada

2..HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
Beluga - Gui Boratto

3. WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Impossible - Figurine

;_;

4..HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
The Night Is Still Young - Pizzicato Five

5..WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Movie Star - Roisin Murphy

heh heh...

6..WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Fire - Ferry Corsten

7..WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Bright Lights Fading - Slam

8..WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Neon Sky Rain - Vector Lovers

9..WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Resting Comfortably - Akira Yamoaka (Silent Hill 4)

Yes, rest would be nice.

10..WHAT IS 2 + 2?
Those Distant Lights - The One AM Radio

11..WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR EX?
Under Thunder and Gale (A Black and Blue Sky by Daedelus) - The One AM Radio

12..WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Going Nowhere (Digitalism Remix) - Cut Copy

13..WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Nothing Better - The Postal Service

14..WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Be Nice to Everyone At All Times (With a Few Important Exceptions) - Hood

15..WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Lazy Eye (Brian Lebarton Remix) - Silversun Pickups

16..WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Cloak and Dagger (Original Mix) - Daedelus

17..WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Brand New Colony - The Postal Service

18..WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
You Are What You Love - Jenny Lewis with The Watson Twins

19..WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Distance - Karsh Kale

20..WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Time Stands Still - Cut Copy

Well there you go.

And I hate boxes of chocolates, ironic.

Maybe I'm just being a typical (rising) scorpio, but I feel really at my wits end about so many things.  Not suicidal or anything, just very defeated.  I realize the future's wide open and there are a million things I could do to potentially better my life, but it all seems so *potential*, not concrete at all and I like having things to depend on.

but maybe I am way too selfish, and, of course, being a perfectionist makes me even more close-minded... but still.  I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but I'm thinking I just need to channel this all somewhere, and take a risk.  maybe putting yourself out there will change things and make all the bullshit worth it.

Again, just a post to keep a record (since I'm beginning to wonder if I'll EVER meet anyone here).

It feels like my life is a big lie, and more and more it's getting to me.  On one hand there's the shame of being what I am to others, which I know is crap since I'm a good person, then there's the shame of being confused/not gay/straight enough.  But I think the saddest thing of all is that NO ONE gets it, and so many people are so caught up in their shit (as I was) that they'll never see unless you bash them over the head with it.  In short, waiting accomplishes nothing, but still I'm just one man in a world that's against me, and I'm no Superman.

While I'm still as comedic as ever (and badly so), I must say that right now it at least feels like I'm the most depressed I've ever been.  A part of my life is gone that I will never get back (on 2 counts), and there doesn't seem to be much to look forward to.  Guess that's the problem with dreamers, sooner or later the bubble will burst.

I've discovered a sort of depressing truth about people that, while it makes me stronger and probably better able to deal, is also something I'll miss.  I'd like to think this is all happening for a reason, that there's light at the end of the tunnel, and I'll do my best, but still.  Sometimes life just sucks.

I know no one really reads this, but it beats posting on myspace where I don't think anyone cares anyway.  Not that I post to be heard, but mainly to vent...

First, the bad.  So, I'm employed.  Yay.  The pay is even good, probably better than anywhere else I could work.  But I'm still thinking about finding another one because I get the feeling my co-workers don't like me that much, and I come home every day with a headache from stress & trying to do a job I'm not particularly good at.  Maybe I'm blowing things out of proportion, but it's been about a week of this, so...

On the other hand, being forced to deal with shit has had it's upside.  I'm way more comfortable with my sexuality (even if it's still not something I completely understand), and that's the source of a lot of my problems.  But the funny thing is the more people have a problem with me, the more bold it makes me.  I also have a lot more confidence in general now, even if it's still not enough to help me deal.  But I guess things don't always work out. :/

I think I've just figured out I'm numb.  I've been going through the motions pretty much, making progress but basically not wanting to deal with the tougher issues--not because I don't want to deal with them (I consider myself a person of action), but because they have no solution and I've crashed and burned enough.

if nothing else, I've learned a lot about myself in this time.  I'm really messed up, and don't see myself having a "life" anytime soon.  but anymore life to me is all about living the best you can.  and maybe I'm not so bad, not my fault if people can't see that. :P

I can't sleep anymore, which sucks because I can't stay awake at work.  I don't think my job is for me, though other times I think it is.  and my head's a mess, as usual.  I swear it has something to do with my zodiac now--Scorpio is divided between two planets (Mars and Pluto) between day and night, and my sun and moon signs are at odds.  I think the solution is some good sleeping pills.

I'm officially in emo mode, though to be more exact, loner mode--not that that's a bad thing.  one of the happiest times in my life I spent alone.  at least I can rely on myself, and, besides, I need the time by myself for the things I like to do.  my sexuality throws such a wrench in my gears that I've pretty much given up on relationships at this point.  sure, I'm pathetic, but that's subjective, and it's not like I haven't tried.  but something tells me it would never work out anyway, given the person I am.

this doesn't mean I've given up.  I'm going to invest my time into my future and happiness, and *hopefully* I'll meet someone along the way, and if not, oh well.

I've come to realize I'm far from perfect.  sounds dumb, but I'm the kind of person who thinks if I loose a few pounds or get a different haircut people will like me better--and they don't.  and if they do, it's probably not for the best reason.

there are things I can't change--namely my personality and sexuality.  but I honestly don't feel bad about it now.  besides, I've got my good points.